just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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