I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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