His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
