Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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