youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize