I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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