No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have demons in me.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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