Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
