i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
