Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
