I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
