There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
