Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
