She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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