this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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