so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
