I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
