so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
