There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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