I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
