yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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