Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
