I looked at my own cervix.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
