I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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