How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
