Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Naked Twister starts at high noon
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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