We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So squirting runs in the family.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
