someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
