He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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