I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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