rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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