sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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