two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize