I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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