Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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