So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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