I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
