Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
as a side note pls kill me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
