i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
