Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
