I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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