Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
