The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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