Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
