i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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