Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
