This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
