I checked into jail on foursquare
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
