Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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