There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
