Soap is not a condiment
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
