You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
