Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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