we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
