Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
